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Chapter One

9:27:14 AM

Gordy’s toilet was talking to him.

“Gordy,” it asked, “are you getting enough fiber?”

Gordy sighed. He didn’t want to get into an argument with his toilet again. He was already feeling pretty stressed out.

First, there was his girlfriend, Poppy Nicole, the love of his life. Poppy loved Gordy and Gordy loved Poppy, everyone knew that. But Gordy was sure Poppy was getting ready to dump him.

Everyone knew that, too.

Then there was his boss, Javed Jones. It wasn’t even 9:30 and Javed had already called him – twice.

All Gordy wanted to do was to sit in peace for a few minutes and watch a little vid. Was that too much to ask?

“I’m just a little concerned,” the toilet continued, in a high, melodious voice, “because it’s been more than 24 hours since your last bowel movement.”

When the compu-toilet was first installed, giving it a female voice had seemed like a great idea. The smooth, honeyed tones were warm and friendly, with just a hint of seduction. Gordy had imagined that voice would be just the thing to wake up to in the morning. He hadn’t realized she would be constantly asking him about his bowel movements.

“You know that plenty of fiber is important for a balanced diet.”

“I know, I know,” he said, trying to be patient. After all, the Nihao Fujiba Healthy 3000 was the number one selling compu-toilet in North America. It was able to interface with other toilets Gordy used during the day, analyze his diet, consult his medical records and recommend the appropriate well-being products. Plus, it had four cupholders. Still, it could be pretty annoying at times.

He’d tried reprogramming it, but the toilet wouldn’t let him.

“Gordy! Gordy!”

Gordy’s boss, Javed Jones, appeared on the toilet’s 90 centimeter vid screen. “Gordy, are these numbers right?” he asked. In spite of his vid manager’s best efforts, Javed was sounding pretty nervous. “Is the system working?”

Read the rest of Chapter One.

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